Can we talk about it? No, really talk about the issues of having a family. It is no easy feat if you are responsible for any other humans in your life. If you are in the world of parenting and marriage, then you are probably nodding your head right now. Why don’t we talk about this openly instead of hushed whispers that imply we shouldn’t have any issues?
That’s not true. As a mom of seven (six births + my bonus daughter), the amount of emotional and mental strength it takes to care for a family is not always manageable. This discussion is on the parental focus of family life because kids can be complicated as they age and begin challenging your ability to know what’s best for them. That doesn’t startle me as much as what could be the truth; they might be right!
We shouldn’t pretend either, so where does that leave a parent who is too exhausted and frustrated to enjoy family life?
I’m not talking about love. That runs deeper than one can imagine. Yet, amid that love, parents can begin to question if they will mess their kids up in some irrevocable way. As a divorced single mother of three boys in my former years, that would keep me up at night. Not that I expected to be perfect, but was I doing what was best for them or what was convenient for me in the grand scheme of things?
For example, when my first three (all boys) were growing up, I made clear choices and overreacted to their dad’s lack of involvement. They outnumbered me but according to society and the world around me I was a strong black woman who could manage it all. In reality, not so much. For starters, having a family required things I wasn’t equipped with at the time, like emotional contentment, mental clarity and self-worth were at the top of the list. That caused a panic mode style of parenting and eventually family life became overwhelming.
Or was it?
Caring for a family felt next to impossible without sacrificing something or someone (namely me). After many years of family life, the joy was dissipated. I became a mother of discontentment. I was consumed by the responsibilities. Getting away for me time had it’s place but I still had to come home. The situation wasn’t going to change any time soon. I wasn’t going to be an empty nester for years to come. I prayed and asked God to help me enjoy my family and all that came with it. For a while I continued to feel the weight of washing another dish, cooking another meal and spending more time in my car than at home from daily school pick ups to after school activities and doctor’s appointments to name a few.
But the light came on somehow, and I looked around and realized all of this could be gone in one breath. My complaints were legitimate by any parent’s standards. However, as Christians, we can’t stay in a state of complaining. We shouldn’t pretend either, so where does that leave a parent who is too exhausted and frustrated to enjoy family life?
Sometimes, we can’t see the forest for the trees. The emotional toll can distract from the true treasure of family life. Watching little humans express their personalities and learn how to navigate life is exciting and often comical. As parents, we have to pay attention to the small things and understand they are their own person, and we are to shape them into the best humans they can be. We have to teach them what character is. What respect means, how to give it and require it. We are training them in the way they should go in the fear and admonition of the Lord. That should fill us with joy but when it doesn’t. I needed a jumpstart, an interrupter so to speak. Here are few things that would get me out of a parenting rut of despair:
- Build a fort! Literally and figuratively. We have to guard our hearts and thoughts from always focusing on the negative aspects of life. That’s the easy road, but it’s a dead-end route. Instead, put some chairs together and throw a blanket or sheet over the top. Grab more blankets and pillows and come up with a secret password. We have to make our own fun experiences because what we focus on is what will keep our attention. Make it a priority to shift your thoughts. Pay attention to what you’re paying attention to. If it’s negative it has to go. Shift the mood. Take captive the thought. Build your fort!
- Have a skip day. I’m a massive advocate for skip days. These are days when, yes, the schedule is tight, and there are always things that need to be done. But skip it. It feels good to shake up the well-structured schedule system sometimes. It makes you feel alive, and the kids love it. It can be a release valve for the whole family. Include a junk day, too. This was the one day we ate cupcakes, cookies, chips, and TWIZZLERS for no good reason.
- Remember when you were young. However old your kids are, you’ve already been there and done that. Try to remember what that felt like. It can be hard being a kid, especially the kids of today with social media, etc. However, we can teach them how to build resilience and confidence.
When we stop to focus on the smaller things, like hearing them laugh, listening to their point of view, and watching them discover a new part of their being, like their strength or value, it’s amazing to witness. Don’t get me started with the hugs that hold on so tight you want to hug them forever. These are all the bigger picture that makes the hard parts of parenting worth it. If we stop for a moment through the noise of what needs to be done, the dreaded list of things to do. We might be able to get the view of the bigger picture and appreciate the fact that we get to enjoy it at all.
